Why? Well, honestly I got spooked--I was told by a couple people of stories by other teachers in Korea who have had backlash from keeping a blog--whether it be about a future job or current, I didn't/don't want anything I may have to say taken out of context to prevent any ties I have/want to have in the future. Not that I think anything I've had to say was out of malice or unprofessional, I just have come to care a great deal for the people I write about and about the future opportunities I'd like to keep open.
That being said, I'd been writing too. A lot. Mostly essays for a writing sample to apply for MFA programs. That, and the oh-so-fun task of the essays that go along with those applications. I had to start from scratch due to an AWOL external hard-drive, lost to the USPS Gods. May it rest in peace. So, starting from scratch was both frustrating, but also a great learning experience. I can honestly say that. Now. So, yes... it POSSIBLE I will be back in graduate school in August.
What have I been doing? Well, pretty much the opposite of what everyone else has been doing. While many of my compadres have been traveling, exploring Korea, Japan, Southeast Asia, Malaysia, Australia, and all those other boring places, I've been not only doing those applications, but I've been exploring the inside of the complicated workings of how I got here in the first place--stressed out, panic attacks, perpetually exhausted, working 7 days a week, and falling deeper and deeper into debt. Mostly, even though I was working out everyday and eating really well, I wasn't taking care of myself. My feelings and needs. I came last. I think this is a very typical female thing--we're good at seeing the bigger picture and taking heed of The List--all the things that need to be done to hold it together, only many-most of these women at least have children. Why was I?
Coming to Korea helped me focus on me--I don't think you need details so much as I'd like to share that wouldn't be where I'm at now had I not. I finally started seeing a therapist before I decided to move and my head was so foggy and spinning so fast I thought I needed to think seriously about Prozac--which is totally something I don't believe in, not for others, but for myself (well, at least I mean I knew that the anxiety and depression were not coming from no where, and THAT was the problem). Focusing on me this year was difficult--even in the best of circumstances. I had to look at ALL of my relationships (from trivial to serious), my tendencies, my decision making skills, my choices, and claim all of it. Then pick it apart. Then try to accept it, learn from it, and move forward a much much healthier, albeit feeling quite weak and malnourished, before getting truly healthy again. A big part of that was learning how to say no. For lack of a better explanation, I have UN-complicated a very very complicated web of relationships, "simply" by letting go of what's happened in the past and figuring out what I want from them in the future. Felt like losing 75lbs.
Then I also tackled 88% of The List of all the books, podcasts, audiobooks, documentaries, news articles, and films I've been putting aside for that free time that never ever came. Learned some Korean too. Some Korean history too, thanks to my "massive Korean history slut." Another 15lbs.
Then I slept. Whenever. However. For how long ever, I wanted. And took care of those wisdom teeth my dentist has been telling me to get to for literally over a decade. And completed a half-marathon (love this photobomb). I learned to cook my favorite Korean dishes. 20lbs.
I've also been paying off loads of debt. I think the total is well over 10,000 now; something I would have never ever ever in a million years been able to do in America. This is not the only reason I'd come back, but it doesn't hurt; there is much more. The last few months I've been saving to take a few trips once I leave Korea, exploring new places and revisiting those I love. I've never been able to save like that. 30lbs.
I guess my hope is that people out there, who know what it feels like to feel at the end of your sanity rope, even if nothing tragic is happening--no one is dying, and everyone is "healthy"--those who need to relate can realize that they are not alone, there are answers, and there is certainly a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't see it just yet. At least if you find yourself more days than not, unhappy... that you will be inspired to figure out why, and for fuck's sake, try to find it. Just stop making excuses for things...
Then I have an important date in Puerto Rico...
And then Scotland and Ireland...
And then Mexico...
I want to very very sincerely thank everyone who has messaged me about enjoying what I write. I can't tell you enough, how much it means to me, and inspires me to write more. I have been contemplating going off the grid for a while, but I think instead... from here on out, I will start updating again, but much more external stuff--foods, sights, happenings--from all these countries. The only thing I can promise is that there won't be much about Ron Paul. Take that as you will, but please follow along, and feel free to ask questions about the travels or give me suggestions on how to extort miles from United so I can do this forever.
Post Script: I realize that this is all very cheesy, and we all want to be like, "Oh she went away and came back all happy and shit. Whatever." But honestly, I'm cool with that.
